12DoDM: Day 3 – December to Dismember

REMINDER: I’M NOT FIXING ANY TYPOS BECAUSE I’M DRUNK AND IT WILL MAKE THIS RAMBLING MORE SILLY AND INSTRESTING

Here we are. With… pretty much the most hated. The most berated. The most lothed. “modern” WWE pay-per-view event… this side of Vengeance 2003. The whole Katie Vcik…. Trips/Kane match. Pay-per-view. thing. Happened. At Vengeance, didn’t it? No matter.

What I bring to you, dear reader, is the most vile, boring, illogical event to have transpired in the last decade. Which covers a LOT of ground, considering that John Cena’s been a part of, damn near every main event in the past decade.

Or…


Yeah, the meme doesn’t work so well in a rambling like this. BOOM~! STILL didn’t say THAT word~!

But really.

December to Dismember was WWECW’s one and ONLY pay-per-view. For… well… good reason. Ish. Either way.

Much like a LOT of these “12 Days of Drunkenmass” thinguses… this is the VERY first time I’ve ever even attempted to watch such the atrocious pice of “Wrestling PPV” that is December to Dismember.

So…

Here we go.

  •  I guess, as it turns out, November isn’t tat much of a memorable month.
  • Joey Styles does his, honest, ABOSULTE BEST to sell this show.
  • Justin Roberts does his best to add to his WWE ring announcer resume. In 2006.

    Hardy Boyz vs. MNM
  • On paper this should be a good bout. But. You know.
  • Heell… perhapos it’s the ONLY good bout. But whatever.
  • I miss Scott Armstrong as a ref. Fuck Daniel Bryan.
  • This may be one of the best matches on tyhe card. It’s also probably the longest.
  • Apparntly, Melina is ogrous.
  • She’s iether that, or a rack whore.
  • Remember back in the day when JKohnny Nitro was the onely person that did the standing SSP?
  • She also has herpes.
  • Legit nothing is happening in thismatch.
  • Taxx and Srtyles wee such an awesome commentary team.
  • Now, melina is a gentirle flower, according to Styles.
  • Tazz fogot what state he wasin for a while there.
  • WWE actually had aprions made that read ‘Deember to Dismember.” Ponder that dor a moment.
  • The Snapshot was a pretty awesome tag finisher. Even thoug it’s basically the 3d but different.
  • Hardy Bouys win.
  • Why?
  1. First we’re treakieted to Tazz and Styles hyping the show.
  2. Next up is a little interview with Rob Can Dam.
  3. RVD wants us to think “RVD hwne we think “ECW CHampion.” Thinus is, when you put the two of them together, all I can think about is giw RVD ruined my early-adulthood.
Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney
  • This one’s got five stars ritten all over it!
  • In all seriously. I’m just gonna skip to the end. Because. Wy?
  • Hrmph. A rare Balls Mahoney WWECW win
  1. CM Punk is backstage hitting nothing. Why?
  2. Actually. o. It’s not Just cause. It’s ause the ‘E needed some filler uch ike me right now.
  3. Sabu’s injured.

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    And the crowd chants, “Bullshit.”

 

Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay vs. The FBI
  • Yes. That is litterally the best image I could come up for for this mastch.
  • I totally forgot that the ‘E brought Tinriti intp this mess.
  • Yeah. Those are the only things noteworthy about this match.
  • And who’dathunk it. FBI loses.
  • Remember back in the day when yu could hear, “TNA” chants at a WWE event?
Daivari vs. Tommy Dreamer
  • Yes. Again. Best image I could find.
  • I have no idea why ANYONE every thought Daivari was worth anything post- muhammed Hassan.
  • I still have no idea why pro-wrestling is trying to make daivar a thing. I’m looking at you, Luycha Underground.
  • Referee Mickey Jauy was also very much awsome.
  • Tommy FDreamer loses. Imagine that.
  • Gotta love the fan that venomously yelled, “THIS ISN’T EXTREME IT’S ENTERTAINMENT~!”
  1. Bob Holy gets his one and only WWE main event.
Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly vs. Kevin Thorn and Ariel
  • Renenber Mike knox? I wonder if any wrestling company does.
  • Kelly Kelly had a strippr gimmick andhad a crush on CM Punk. Just wanted to point thjat out.
  • Ariel’s the one with the thong upskirt going on. But kelly Kelly is the steripper.
  • Although, Kelly Kelly does have some butt camel twoe situation going on.
  • As well as some actual camel toe.
  • Back in the day, when “Diva” and “Wrestlers” were different. God times.
  • MIKE KNO HEEL TURN?!
  • Aiels wins a match? Hrmph.
  • Ugh. Sandman’s fake Metalica theme still makes me cringe.
  • Holy shit! It’sa the skull stick that Adam had!
  • Well, at least Sandman got the loudest pop of the night. Next to FBI.
  • Yeah. Not even Sandman could save this show. Ir ut;s ECW banesaej,
  • Who the hell was this “Rebecca” pair of boobs?
  1. So, the storyline was Heyman lovesd himself some Big shows and Tests. Why?
  2. With storylines this flimsy, no wonder  Heyman called it a day after this show.
  3. The hype video package thingus may as well tell us that Lashley’s about to win.
  4. Test is dead. Bobby Lashley may as well bae.
  5. I just wrote “bae.”
    bmfp
  6. Oh yeah. The other storyline at the time was that Paul Heyman sold out. Ugh. I need to be more drunk.
  7. A year and a half before this, Heyman, damn neear in teard, stodd in front of a crowd, while they chanted, “Thank you Paul.” Tonight they probably shou’ve said, “Thanks for trying.
  8. I know. RThat’s not really a joke. But really, I’ve got nothing to work with.
  9. Someone in the crowd just asked, “Where’s The Franchise?” It was probably Shane Douglas at ringside.
  10. Unfortunately for that one fan that keeps getting picked up by the microphones, Big Show still hasn’t retired.
  11. Tazz and Styles still try to sel the show. They do their damnedest.
Big Show vs. RVD vs. Holly vs. Test vs. Punk vs. Lashley
  • Remember that one time Holly and RVBD had a decent match because Holy’s back got cut and all that? Good times.
  • I wonder how many times Styles and Tazz are going to mention that match.
  • man. Test in 2006 looks like Chris jericho in 2015.
  • Test’s a faggot chants. DOESN’T THIS CROWD KNOW IT WAS 3006?! WE DON’T USE WORDS LIKE THIS ANYMORE!
  • So. The “etreme” elimination chamber has it’s own, sparete “WHO’S NEXT” anticipation sound.
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  • Damn. RVD is bloddy as hell.
  • CM Punk erliminated first. Huge “fuck you” to Paul heyman and the fans. Why?
  • No, I don’t think I’ll ever gewt tired of this joke. Sorry.
  • More, “bullshit, ” chants after RVD’s elinination.
  • “Where’s my refund?” chants.
  • Wood vs. steel chains. Wood wins?
    bmfp
  • Why did pro-wrestling every try to make “Bobby Lashley” a thing?
  • Why would ANY wrestling company STILL try to make “Bobby Lashley” a thing? In 2015?
  • More Bullshit chants.
  • Paull Heyman tried. He really tryied to put this situation over.
  • A much louder “TNA” chant. Hrmph.
  • And. Yeah. Bobby Lashley winds. Whay?
  • And, thankfully, it’s over.
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Ryan

I’m pretty awesome. I write drunken ramblings. Lover of gaming. Engaged in an on-again-off-again relationship with pro-wrestling. And I am your resident Batman expert.

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