12DoDM: Day 2 – The Santa Clause

REMINDER: I’M NOT FIXING ANY TYPOS BECAUSE I’M DRUNK AND IT WILL MAKE THIS RAMBLING MORE SILLY AND INSTRESTING

njext off, we’ve got a movie that I acutally LOVE. It’s a movie tghat kinda, sorta SOMEWHAT developed my believing in Santa Claus. But not really. At all. Like I said. This is a movie that I’m quite fgond of.

But. be that as it may, yut’s been about 20 years, give or take, since I’ve seen the movie. So. Let’s get on with.

The Drunken Watching of… The Santa Clause

1. Such foreshadowing. With the openning credits.
2. Whiu is Tim Allen in the Mall of America?!\ He’s NOT Nitro!
3. Drive sage!
4. DING DONG MMKAY`1
5. Step parents. Amirite?!
6. tim Allen shows off his animal call ski;;sl. As if hje hadm’t done that for the last foiur years om Home Improvement
7. Dads are assholes. TYhe mainstream media patriarchy deems it so.
8. Something aboit a Home Alone coimparison with musiuc.
9. DADS CAN’T COOK~! THE PATRIARCHY AT WORK~!
10. Dads don’t care abot reading stories… OK. Nothing about patriarchy here.
11. Faith. Questions. Santa. Philoisophy things.
12. CHARLIE~!
13. Charlie hears such a clatter. But. Nothings the matter. Because. PATRIARCHY@!
14. So… the “rea;” Santa Claius” gets burried in the snow…
15. Oh. He disappeared. Here I wa about to make some sort of Dexter reference.

16. 

17. There’s no such thing as Santa’ sliegh even tnhough its’ right in fgront of yuu. I’m pretty sure this is a metaphor for the current President of the United States. Probably.
18. DOIRECTIONS~! JOKE~! BECAUSE~! PATYRIARTCHY~!
19. just. Sigh at this point.
20. Magical suits. Alert Iron Man.
21. Random “high” kpoke is awesome. Good job.
22. Apparently. NRA members hate Santa.
23. An arrgument between humans and reindeer… there’s some sort of politcal anology here. Most likely… Donald Trump is involved.

24. 

25. Tim Allen does his best Metallica circa 1999 impression. BNit not really.
26. Something abouty Child labor. Jokes. Elves.
27. The Rufio in the story introduces himself as Bernard.
28. And soimething about Willy Wonka. Comparisons. Prbably.
29. Snowglobes. Magic? Maybe?
30. Barabus referebnce? Rea;;y>?!
31. More China references with the “Elves.”
32. something about the “Clause.”
33. Thise Clause is more complicated than Comcast customer service. Forreals.
34. Seing is believing you “Home Improvement” cunt.
35. 1999. DOES NOT make sense.
36. Uh oh…. Tim Allen has the same initials s “Santa Slaus.”
37. Which… you know…. opens up lots of paradoxes.
38. But then. CHILD LABOR~!
39. Scott Calvban wakes up in his own bed. Rum is an awesome drug!~
40. Well… at least there wasn’t the “Uh oh” from Tim Allen. Hpome Improvement style.
41. CPR TOTALLY helps with a heart attack. STFU CHARLIE!
42. They’re probably thinking, “What’d you give him?”
43. I sleep naked too. It’s funny because you announced it to the postwoman person. Thing P.C.
44. There’s NOTHING more painful than third degree buns? Tell that to those that are heartbroken! SUCH A HEARTLESS FIREMAN! 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB!
45. HA! HA!~ Tim Allen’s job is akin to Santa. But Charlie’s like… Forreals.

46. 

47. “Not everyong celebrates Christmas,” “Time continuums.” Stup it. YOU’RE NOT Donnie Darko.
48. Sometyhing about parenting. Mybe.
49. More fart jokes. Just cause.
50. Not Clause. But cause.
51. “FAT GUY IN A LITTLE COAT!”
52. SON OF A BEE STINGH~!
53. Scott’s hungrier than usual?
    
54. Something sabouty toy making. Probsably something sabout Big too.
55. Not the sewquel. But… also.
56. Uh oh. A 2006 Adam Sandler joke. In 1994.
    
57. FAX~!
58. Psychiatry~!
59. Father’s are dangerous!~! Because. PATRIARCHY~!
60. Sexual innuendos. SANTA~! AWESOME~!
61. Therapy. Something about “the” “rapey.”
62. Pretty much. Everything is abougt being disappoubted wutg Cgrustnabs,
63. And then. Fatherly visitiations are taken away. Becayse… PATRUARCGT~!
64. The “evil” pscychoilogist makes the most sense in this whole, tense “family” situation
65. BUT TWO CHRISTMASES~! SGHUT UP CHARLIE~!
66. Wait a minute. This whole movie is HORRIVBLE.
67. There’s NO reason for ANYONE to believe that “Scott Calven” isn’t a psychopath.
68. He’s OBVIOUSLY devastated by his current divorce. The custody of his son is, apparently, up in the air. And it’s even settled in the latter parts of the movie in which, “Charlie’s”/”The family’s” psychiatrist reccomends that Scott’s custody has become a parential termination situation.
    Scott’s like, “No. Fuck you, I’ve loved my child, so much that I’ve adapted to his own dillusion about this “North Pole” Thingus.
69. At which point, Scott stops giving a shit. He starrts gaining TONS of weight. Grows a beard. He lets ALL of his hair become gray. Becayse. WHY THE FUCK NOT AT THIS POINT?! RIGHT?!
70. And boom. Psychotic dillusions. because. Patriarchy~!
71. But then again… there’s the ending of the movie
72. Mike Hukabee, the person that’s in a suit. And stuff. He’s as hawkish as Huckabee or Lindsey Graham ever was.
73. Seriously. MatPat. Steal this theory froim me. As I write this is has just bec0ome December 4th 1:55. MST. Year of our Lord. 2015.
74. I’m dead serious. Tim Allen is a psychopath. All of the conclusion of this movie is a dillusion.
75. And I LOVE this Christmas movie at the same time.
76. HOLY SHIT! Tim Allen’s getting arrested. Because he IS A PSYCHO!

77. 

78. Something about Latin? Maybe Tim Allen is possessed by a demon?
79. Such a psycho.
80. Something about  elves saving the day. But come off it. You KNOW this isn’t true anymore. It’s just a part of Tim Allens’ psychosis.
81. See? Scott can’t be with his son always. Because. HE’S A PSYCHO.
82. Wholesome~! FAMILTY~! THINGS~! POLICE SIRENS~!
83. And nowq. thw whole world believes the psychosis.
84. Well. I mean. The whole COUNTRY can believew THIS psychosis…