In 2013. This “tradition” began. I’d watch a “scaryish” moive thing. Because. Halloween. And I’d do a “Watching of…” rambling for it. With the ast feew debates that happened. It must seem like all I’m doing is “Watching of…” ramblings. But. Damn it.
This is a tradition.
SO IT MUST BE HELD UP~! Or whatever.
Now. I know what you, dear reader, MUST be thinging. Why in the LIVING HELL would I, for this Halloween, be doing a “Watching of…” rambling about this movie. Right? Why THIS movie. This lame, little, Alienistic, “found footage” thing that it is. OIut of ALLL of THE horror film classics. WHY this movie?! Why?!
The answer to that question.It’s a bit complicated.
First. Let me leyt you in on a little bit of info I’ve NEVBERR shared.
During the years of The Drunken Radio Network I would always do some sort f a “halloween special” each and EVERY year. And. Pretty much. EACH AND EVERY year. I would do a “top ten horrow movie” list. Right here. There was a running gag. That. Obviously. NO ONE caught on to. Because. Obvious reasons.
The gag was. I’d always change that top ten list. Just cause. Every year. It was completyely different. Just cause.
HOWEVEWR. There were two or three or so (I’m pretty sure it was just three) that were pretty close to the truth. Each and every year. All three were near the top five. If I’m not mistaken (or am I?)
Basically. The three were:
- Saw. The legit #1 each year. Because. Forreals, I consider this to be the best horror/slasher flim of all time. Hate me. Slay me. Whatever.
- V/H/S. Legit. The creepiest movie I’ve ever watched. Not so much that it “scared” me. It just. Was AND IS. Fucking creepy. You can read more about it in The Drunken Diaries Volume II. I suppose.
- The Fourth Kind. In all honesty? This is the only mocie that actually SCARED me. Ever. Towards the end of the first time I watched it, I was, lefgit, shaking.
Now. Of course. The movie isn’t at all frigtening when you have the information that I do now. The first time I watched it. I had none. No iformation. At all. It was just like. My drunken brother. Being like. “DUDES~! EVERYONER~! EVER~! We all need to watch this movie~!”
So we did.
He and I.
And it’s presented. Al professional-like. THE FCKING ACTORS EVEN GIVE A DISCLAIMER AND SHIT.
And so. Needless to say. Again. By the end of it. I’m fucking physically shaking.
The next day happens.
Google was my friend.
But still. Either way. I give to you. Pretty much the SECOND time I’ve EVER watched…
The Fourth Kind.
- Milla’s disclaimer is awesome. You’ve GOT TO admit.
- Ot is pretty telling how EVERYTHIGN EVER was captured on video. Like. Abbey’s psychologist person. Randomly’s like, “hey, you wanna record this?!”
- Even under hy[nosis and shit. Who the FUCK is going to remember what the weather was like on “August Second of this year?” Come the fuck on now.
- Jump scares. Already.
- So. Owls. Sigh. ‘LUMMINATTI ~! 2012~!
- Something aot blindness? And daughters?
- Prayer. Becuase. You have to have prayer in a horror movie. I mean. This is a horrow movie, innit?
- And then. There’s the same “dead dad” conversation you’ve seen in every movie. Ever.
- OWELS~! LUMINATTI~! 3012~!
- “Actual audio.”
- Uh oh, Anither FILMED THERAPY SESSION~! Because. ALL therapy sessions arefilmed., Obviously. Es[ecially in Nome Alazka.
- You gotta give it to ole’ Oletunde. He did his best to make it all seem legit. Hell. THe “actor” of Tommy’s bald. Whilst the “real”one isn’t. And the sets don’t look anything alike. He really did put a LOT off effort into it all.
- Isn’t it a crime to falsify a 9-11 report? I’m just sayin…
- I mean. Shit. Here in Colorado. It’s a crime to take a picture of your filled out ballot. AND to tell someone who you voted for AND to tell someone who you think someone else voted for. All of that shit is a crime. IN Colorado. I know all of this is unrealated. But.
- And like. How the fuck would they have Tommy’s audio while he’s talking to Abbey on the phone and shit? Just. Dumbness.
- This is pretty soon after Chris Benpit happened right? You know. The first time I watched this. And like. Throughout this “Tommy” ordeal. That’s a lot of what I thought about. Fucking Benoit.
- So like. What happened to the other patients that saw an owl? Right? I’m pretty sure they’re never seen again. Well. Basically.
- Another filmed hypnosis therapy session. But this one’s supposed to seem legit because there’s another therapist with them? Does he even make an appearance in the “real footage?”
- THis new ddue. To seem different. The “real” Scott looks older than the “actor” Scott. Good job, Oletunde!
- Oh. And the answer is, “No.” The other therapist, friend person dude. He has othing to do with this new therapy session.
- Screaming. All ovber the hell.
- And. Scaryness. Al over the place. Just cause.
- Sumarian. Dead languages.
- ZOOK ZOOK!
- No though. Oletunde is brilliant as far as this shit’s concerned.
- And. Everything’s he’s on about. Jonah’s Ark. Jesus. THings. As far as I know. All true. So. Hey. Thanks for mixing up these “facts” your charactar’s on about, Oletunde. And you know. Actualy fact. Would be nice.
- We ned to record what’s happening! It’s a VITAL FUCKING PART OF THERAPY~! AND THE REASONS TO HAVBE THIS MOVIE HAPPENING! WE NEED TO RECORD, YOU FEVER FAKING ASSHOLE!
- aND THEN.
- The best “jump scarey” type of thing ever happens.
- Even now. Just watching this shit. It’s legit giving me chills.
- Bratty kids are so God damn bratty.
- And. Dumb. Blingd kids are… dumb?
- And. White. Dumb. Cops. Are… dumb?
- Again. Isn’t it a crime to falsify crime reports? Or whatever?
- UH OH~! FALSIFIED POLICE FOOTAGE OF A UFO~!
- Jesus man. That “UFO” footage was enough to scare me to death and shiit? Sigh.
- And the bratty son’s still an asshole. Because movie.
- And fuc,king. Custody things. At the time I first watched this.Fucking tears. Because. Custody. Things. ANd. If I ever have kids. I want to be a step dad. The end.
- And then. Jesus/. Everything that’s happening now is obviously faked. “Abbey’s” interviews. Everything. How could this shit have tricked me that bad?
- Obvious answer is that AWESOME jump scare I mentioned just a bit ago. But still.
- Tension builds up. Oletunde character’s there. And “Abbey’s” therapist friend person. And then. Boom.
- All of that.
- The smiling owl? You mean? the Luminatti knows what it’s doing?! DUND DUNDUNNN~!
- Nope. It’s not an ow. Iut’s the ‘luminatti! BOOM!
- Now. Here man. Being raised in a Christian family and such. As, you know, my brother and I were. We had always been told, “Aliens? Ghosts? Things? All of them, they’re just demons!” And such. And then. This movie happened. And myu btoehr’s like, “HEY MOM AND DAD~! YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS~!” Then he’s like “HEY RYAN YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS~!” Prior to my watching. I’m hearing the scuttlebut going ’round. They’re talking aliens and demons and such. Then I watch it. Right? And it’s like. BOOM BITCH~! Your parents are right. Aliens are NOTHING but demons.
- Only a servant of Satan himself would say… “I am… father… I am… God…” right?
- But then. Of course. Google was my friend.
- Don’t get me wrong. Watching that last “real” scene with Dr. Abigail Tyler. It’s still VERY creepy. How her mouth opens all wide and shit. Damn near gave me the chills watching it again just now.
- Like. Shit dude. That’s pretty powerful filmmaking.
- Good job Oletunde.
- Then there’s the monkey wrench at the end. Or something. About Will killing himself? I don’t know.
- So. Basically. The “real” actors? They were MUCH bettter than the “actor” actors. Unless.. Like. They were supposed to be? I don’t know.
Either way. This movie? It’s worth a watch. Hell man. If you can show it to someone, unexpecting? Not knowning anything about it? It would be awesome to see their reactions and such. Right?
But yeah.In case. SOME HOW you’re out there. Reading this. And you don’t know. Let me break it to you.
This movie. Everything in it. Is fake. 1000% fake. All of it. The “real” shit. It’s all make-believe. Oletunde did an AWESOME job at trying to cause confusion. But still. Noting in this movie is real. At all. Believe me, folks. We’re going to make Halloween great again. Or something.
But tghen, Like a total dick. Oletunde ends the movie with, FROM WHAT I KNOW, are legit of UFO’s sightings during the end credits. Or something. But listening to them now, they all sound fake. But yeah.