REMINDER: I’M NOT FIXING ANY TYPOS BECAUSE I’M DRUNK AND IT WILL MAKE THIS RAMBLING MORE SILLY AND INSTRESTING
I know what you’re thinking. There’s only seven of these things… in the history of evers~! But. Being the self-proclaimed Batman expert that I am. I’m about to prove to you that there’s been… pretty much 10 movies. About Batman. Released in movie theaters. So.
SHUT UP CRIME!
And since the teaser trailer for Batman V. Superman was released… pretty much last week. I’m pretty positive that this is a fairly relevant ad awesome thing to drunkenly ramble about. And stuffs.
Here we go.
Even though… something tels me I’ve already done this. But. Whatever. Here it is. Again. Maybe. REMASTERED~! or something.
#10. Batman & Robin – The Complete 1949 Movie Serial Collection
Should be obvious enought at this point. But no. Despiter my better efforts, I have never, EVEre watched these. I’ve never. Ever. Seen the movie seriial s depicting the adventures of Batman and Robin. However. There is… you know. NO denying that theese serials took place in movie theaters. So. Boom. But. Perhaps. If I had seen these serials. Morethan likely… they’d score higher than…
#9. Batman Returns
Despite being one of the first movies I ever watching. You know. In a movie theater. This. This is the epitome of utter bullshit. Had this movie not existed… another one of the movies I’m about to be on about… OBVIOUSLY wouldn’t exist. This is such horseshit. From the fact that… you know… LEGIT… the climax deasl with Batman HAVING TO take MIND control of a penguin army. That… you know… in it of itself should tell SOMONE just how shitty a movie this is. Not even Danny DeVito’;s brilliant portrayal of Penguin could save this. Nothing. At all. Saves this movie from the rediculous… TIM BURTONFEST NONSENSE that is is. Fuck you.
#8. Batman and Robin
Truly? I would like to have this movie… at least one slot higher on this list. I would. I was still pretty damn young when it was released. And. You know. Hate me. Slay me. IU liked it back then. Due to this. As much as it sucked. It has a place in my heart. And. I’ve said thes e thnigs time and again. But. There was NO better actor. In 1997 to place Victor Fries than Arnold. There was NO better actress to portray Poison Ivy. In 1997. Than Uma Thurman. The script? Direction? Obvious shit. obviously.
#7. Batman (1966)
It was. You know. A year ago. Almost when I discovered that. You know. My “Bat-love” had nothing to do with thie 60’s television show. Or. You know. The inital beginning of my love. It was later that Adam West’s awesomeness over took me in such campy awesomeness that only furthered my Batmansturbation. Either way. Due to that “furthering” this film made in 1966 ois given a highish spot here. And plus. All those iconic Batman villians? One movie? Awesome.
#6. Batman Forever
Even moreso. This movie speaks to the inner, deepest part of my childhood. Jim Carrey was JUST fresh from Ace Ventura and The Mask. Obviously. He’s the best fucking Riddler ever (whever someone calls him the best Joker ever… I want to stab them in their mouthholes). Obviously? ERight? Plus. It gave me a kid boner for Nicole Kidman. So. That’s aplus. Possibly. I don’t know.
#5. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm
Honestly? I wanted to have this higher in the list. But I couldn’t. For reasons I’ll go into just after this. Pretty much. Kinda. But. As amazing as this is. And. You know. As amazing as Kevin Conroy has become to… TRULY become THE Batman for many-a peoples. Myself included. As amazing of a story that’s told here. It just… I don’t know? Doesn’t hold up? It just… falls short? I don’t know. The words are truly escaping me right now. It’s a fantastic movie. Maybe even perfect. But… it’s missing… things.
#4. Batman Begins
Again. I wish. Almost more than anything. That I could make this higher on my list. I adore Christopher Nolan. Comepletely. Absolutely. And his first Bat-foim is absoluytely fantastic. Hell. It shows, what I’d says, is Christian Bale’s best Bat-performcne ever. That DEMON voice he used. Is… perfection. Sadly, it was never seen again in this trilogy.
#3. Batman (1989)
This is. Absolutely. The reason I am the Batfan that I am today. Period. Bar none. The end. Without this film, Batman would be in the morst obscure parts of fictional hell. There’s NO denything this fact. No matter HOW much Frank Miller would have written the character. Had Warner Bros. Not givien the greenlight for this film… There NEVER would have been the AMAZING Batman – The Animated Series. Keven Conroy woud NEBER been given the role as Batman’s voiceover. NOTHING that is current icononic aboiut the character would exist today. Period. While the film has it’s faults. There is the pretty aqesome take on the Batman/Joker relationship that has never been delved upon since. And. You know. Credit where it’s due. Period. Stuffs. And now, the reast of the list is obvious. But…
#2. The Dark Knight Rises
I once described this movie as being the best I’ve ever seen. Once. There is something very small. Very insignificant. But it keeps this film from being #1. The one. Insignificant scene. Destroys how beautiful and perfect the sttory showcased herewas. No. It has nothing to do with the nitpickers’ “plotholes.” The AMAZING Nolan story was ruined with the inclusion of a scene featuring Lucious Fox that lasts… probably not even 30 seconds. But given that those not even 30 seconds are included, it takes the film down a peg. A large peg. Considering. You know…
#1. The Dark Knight
This IS the movie I’ve wanted to see. Sinced I was six-years-oild. My two favorite Bat-villainse are featured. One of which was fially fiven TRUE cinematic justice. And Batman pounds in the face of injustice. With his fists. And just. Obviousness. Is. You know. Obvious. It’s The Dark Knight. The ONLY comic-based movie to EVER win a MAJOR Academy Award. Its sheer brilliance, truly, could never be stated. In words. Because.
The Dark Knight.
That’s the only thing I need to win this “argument” right now. Period.