Drunken Watching of… Poltergeist (1982)

Destruction or not…

And I mean… I need to keep up traditions. Right? Well… I mean… this is as much of a yearly tradition that I have around here. I missed a couple of years, IO guess. But. Damn it dude. 29020 isn’t gonna take this shit away from me no matter how many tiomes I get hacked! I don’t fucking care! A “Halloween” movie. Is getting a “Watching of…” treatment this year God damn it!

And this yeare? I present you with a film that I’ve seen…. once… and it’s got all the right amounts of eqial spooky and cheesiness/ Right?

So jere it is, dude… Thr Drunken Watching of… Poltergeist!

Hail to the chief opens the film? THe fuck is this? 2020?
I thought I was dealing with a sppoky horror movie from the 80’s. Not current day shit… BOOOOOOO!
LMAo. It’s the Star Spangled Banner not Hail to the Chief. FFS. Fuck off, me.
Oof. A more shaggy Leo appears. BOOOOOO!
Don’t work with children or animals. Obviously.
Coach is sitting their sleeping, whilst his daughter wakes up the whole household…
Bruh…. I’m abnout to have epileptic seisures watching that shit. Stop it.
Spielberg produced this shit? Jesus.
Shit dude. Spieleberg even kinda wrote this movie? Is this real life?
A Rams helmet in the background there. Pre- 1999. Cool shit?
Adults, in 1982 didn’t know who Mr. Rogers was? Really?
I don’t think that’s how remotes worked. Not even in 1982… but…
Captain America… Star Wars… Rams… like… if this isn;’t 1980’s California… I dunno wtf you’re looking for, right?
I once saw a documentary… thing… a long time ago about cannibalism. There were a couple things that stood out (like apparently, human meat tastes like pork) and there was this bit commenting on how like, “Dude, we all play with our kids that we’re gonna eat them… ala, cannibalism.” There was a quick moment of that just now in the movie. And it’s got me wanting to go down a rabbit hole for some reason. Whatever.
OH SHIT! THERE’S AN ALIEN POSTER BACK THERE TOO!
LMAO… These suburban, middleclass couples were definitely high as fuck back in the 80’s. especially in California. Right?
Whilst reading Ronald Reagan books, of course.
And… a scary clown’s thrown in there. Cause. Why not. Right?
Good God man. It’s kinda hard to believe that this dude was the star of Coach. The show that I hated when my dad would take over the TV in like 93-95 or so…
I believe it was Erin, the most adorable sitcom character ever, that once said, “I enjoy the beginning parts of the movies when they all have a happy family.” (sic)
Bruh… I have no idea WTF “(sic)” means. So. It’s pissing me off and I’m using it ironically (?) way too much.
Welps… Google was my friend. And I think I’m using “(sic)” correctly. (sic)
FUCK YEAH! That’s some Spielberg-esque 80’s CGI if I ever seent it!
They’re here!
…apparently.
Bruh/// don’t work with animals or children. I’m telling you…
So far, there’s too much cheese. Not enough spookiness. BOOOOOOO!
Good God man, none of this is making sense at the moment. It’s dumb.
Dude. This is like 2006 Youtube jumpcuts level bad editing. I’ve no idea WTF is happening. A kid got tree-napped? Now the blonde one is getting sucked into the closet? WTF?
None of it’s making sense, of course…. but like… the Spielbergness of it all is pretty damn fun. Obviously.
Also there was a tornado in California. Pre-global warming. So….
Caroline got sucked into the TV. Through the closet. This has GOT to be some sort of LBGTQIA+ metaphor or some shit, innit?
Oof… Lemme try and remember this name I came up with this one time. For “ghost hunters” things. Lemme try and think of it… uh…
Ghost Huntering Estate of Paranoidal Advenrturalist?! Something like that! Hell yeah! That’s Lunatica circa 2007 if I ever seent it!
Anyways when the Ghost Hunering Estage of Paranoidal Adventuralists start investigating the home/ It’s obviously cheesy, but fun, but dumb, but like… I dunno…
No wait… it was the Paranoidal Estate of Ghost Huntering Adventuralists. BOOm Remembered it!
Only thing this movie is missing right now is like Tim Burton gothicness….
Then? It’d be a perfect, cheesy, early-80’s horror movie. I swer.
Eseryone’s whispering and all I can hear is…
The dude that looks like the dude from Office Space, he’s the nerdy, sceptic of the Paranoidal Estate of Ghost Huntering Adventuralists, I’m not a fan of him. As a human being. And…. I mean… it appears as if he’s about to die by watching some steak explode. Or something?
LMAO… nah bruh… he just melts his face off to death. Wait. Nuh… he’s good. lol
My boy, Token…
He’s all chill and shit. Good on you, Token!
OH NO! BAD, 80’S CGI OF A GLOWIG GHOST WOMAN, THING HAPPENS! OH NO!
Also… orghs… Orbs happen… making anyone that’s ever taken a picture of dust think that they’ve documented a parnoidal activity. From 1982 onwards! 🙁
Pretty sure we’re deep into the part of the movie that Erin isn’t a fan of. Although, legit, nothing scary has happened yet. So…
The fuck? Is this tdaytime or night? That shit made no sense. With like the outdoor lightbulb.
OK. Lefgit? A good startling moment there. If I were paying more attention to the movie, not thinking about the wrtiting? Shit would’ve been awesome. Forreals.
Nahp… ya’l dun wanna go don that rod… that rod’s an Indian burial ground, yahp, ya’l don wanna build on that rod
Boom. There she is. The old woman with the child’s voice. Person. The spooky person. Thing. She is. All that. Now she’s here.
Boom.
Don’t quote me on it. But I think this old woman, with a child’s voice… she was once invited on a talk show. And she was given the title of paranormal expert.
Zelda Rubinstein. Princess my ass. GTFO Gannon!
Zelda Rubinstein. Paranormal expert. Once appeared on a talk show, describing her as a paranormal expert.
So like… the first Paranoidal Estate of Ghost Huntering Adventuralist was like, “Nuh dude, don’t ever got to the light or you die!” adn shit. And just. BOOM! She’s like, “Nuhh bruh! run to the light!” Agreeing with Zelda and shit.
Token’s still pretty chill.
Just thought ya’ll’d like an update on my favorite South Park character. Cause I’m not racist. Obviously!
Oh… now… don’t look at the light? The fuck dude?
Movie pulled a FULL 360. Even faster than Trump on his policy stances! HEY-OOOOO!
Now.. the wife’s going into the closet. She asks her husband, “Don’t let go!” Obvious LGBQIA+ metaphors confirmed. Right?
Only scary skulls are in the closet! See dude. I’m woke AF!
I’m getting these metaphors Hollywood dropped on us in 1982! I’m with ya’ll
I’m no where near an LGBTQIA+-ophobe! Can I write for Salon now?
Now… ya’ll are moving out this motherfucking house. Obviously.
Happily ever after?
Merhaps? Movie’s still going on… for some reason.
Is it Caroline or Carol Anne?
FFS.
And… the movie’s still going on.
Wife’s having a bath. Shaggy Leo is watching… there’s like 15 minutes left of the movie. Some how?!
Bruh. In 1982, we’re living in a post-Jaws 2 world. So. Of course they’re sequel-bating, right?
Now… we kinda get a scene that’s like… “based on a true story” or whatever. You know… this…
Or is it, “based on actual events” or what?
To be fair, I don’t believe there were any of those sorts of statements during the opening credits or anything… lemme do research quick (don’t worry, this’ll be instantaneous for you) nopes… the trailer doesn’t say any of those statements either. In fact…

I just felt like sharing this. Cause like. I’d MUCH rather watch THAT movie. Not the one I’m watching. And still enduring right now.
But also I thought it’d be cool to compare that trailer to… You know….

Oof dude. Ya’ll pulled Sam Rockwell into this mess? Bad form sir! BOOOOOOOOO!
But OK. Time to continue watching the sequel bating conclusion or… whatever the hekk’s going on…
Good God man? WTF is the point of any of this? All this empty pool scene… neighbors… “get away from my baby”
Oof. Now they try and pull a FULL Kubrick out of no wheres. And like.
The closet is hell.
Boom dude. Again. LGBTQIA+ metaphors bruh. That’s all this movie is. I gotchu fam.
Alright…
Here I am thinking that Craig T. Nelson is just gonna take the deal from his evil businessy person businessman boss and get a better house atop of the hill. Next to the cemetary or whatever. But nah. Coach was like “Fuck you dude!” \
So…. uh… how the hell did Craig T. Nelson reappear in Poltergeist 2? How the hell did that shit work out? Right?
I dunn. but uh… the how just shrunk into electricity. And.
I’m pretty sure that’s not how physics work. But. Who cares about that right now, right? lolz
FFS.
This movie WILL NOT END.
Family’s going to a hotel.
Coach kicks out the TV,
In the rain.
OK. Ends now. But I’m wondering, HTF does a sequel exist? Right?
Apparently… thar’s how?