DRUNKEN WATCHING OF: From Dusk Till Dawn

It’s been 5avery since I’ve done a “drunken watching of…” rambling. So. Shut up. It’s still Halloween to me damn it! The RyansDrunk.com tradition that died years ago still lives on in me right now! Let’s forking go!

Why am I going with this Robert Rodriguez film above ALL the other horror type films that are out there? Well… Firstly… a certain so-and-so didn’t respond in time. BOOOOOO! You… BOOOOOO! Just.. you know… kidding of course. But. This Quinton Tarentinto-written movie has an actual connection to like… when I was a kid or something. We’ll get into it.

This should be a good time.

And if you’re watching along (which… I mean… you should have been during all of these “Watching of…” Ramblings… merhaps? I dunno) Start watching at the #1. Brev! I dunno. Let’s go!

1. Bruh.. I wanna live RIGHT THERE. With highspeed internet and stuffs. Of course.
2. Tarabtubi dialogue immediately,
3. Sheriff Foxburry (that’s what I’m calling him) is a man out of my own heart
4. FFS,,, I’ve got my volume at near 80, and I can barely hear these mofos.
5. But whoops! WHOOPSIE! Sheriff Foxburry and store clerk said WAY too many no-no words. No-no words that I can’t even repeat here. Even though. I just seent this great reel on IG… some stand-up person used these words too. Like… how these words were once the “more progressive” of the terms to use. But shut up. It’s 2023. You can’t say words anymore.
6. Well… I guess… “mongoloids” was never an “accepted” term. But.
7. Sheriff Foxbury is a man of my own heart because he drinks btw… that’s all I meant. Jesus Christ.
8. George Clooney. Batmany mofo that he is. OOOF… that was a great… whatever that term is called. Not segque whatavery, Shut up. It was great.
9. Quentin’s first line there is great.
10. (I’m a Batman expert not a George Clooney expert this movie was released before Batman and Robin)
11. Clooney jest said, “You’ve got about two seconds to live” then spends a a good three mintues counting down “1… 2… 3…” I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA!
12. While the opening credits are going on. I guess now’s a good enough time to get this out of the way. I watched this movie for the first time as a kid. All I know for sure is that it took place with my parents. And the three of us watched it in their bed. I’m sure I fell asleep at some point. But. We’ll get into more of all of this in a bit.
13. Shit’s normal as fuck. Just another crime drama like Resevoir Dofs and shit.
14. Bruh… Quintin’s gonna kill this woman immediately.
    
15. Jesus bruh… anyody that thinks Clooney “couldnt act” duriong this era because of Batman and Robin are insane. Dude’s amazing. Already.
16. Michael Scott once said, “Mr. Keitel!” I think. During one of his improves.
17. Also, Juliette Lewis is amazing. STFU.
18. Something something. Jesus. LET’S GOOOOOOO!
19. “Yes I do believe in Jesus. Yes I do believe in God. But do I love them? No.”
20. “I didn’t say, ‘Fuck them.'”
21. LET’S GOOOOOOOO!
22. 90’s christianity discusssions LET’S GOOOOOOOO!
23. Harvey Keitel is doing a GREAT JOB playing the role of former pastor-y person Arn Anderson. Not gonna lie.

    

24. Gecco brothers? lmao
25. Well… we’re just getting exposition right now. But. At least the filmmakers are doing a decent job of showing whilst telling anf stuffs. But. Still. Exposition. BLAH! CRIMES!@ GECOO BROTHERS! INTERVIEW WITH POLICE CHEIF-Y PERSON I DON’T CARE! IT’S EXPLAINING THINGS! Again. Though. I’d say. This is a damn fine job. lol Some more words.
26. Because.
27. Whilst all of this exposition is going on. I thought this would be a fun time to do this. Since this is a Tarantino/Rodriggueszz joint and sutffs. Why not take a look at Thanksgiving.
    
    Tje 2007 Grindhouse Version. Don’t be scared. YouTuve is stupid (although there’s barely visible nudity involved so… whoops). But you can still watch it. Eli Roth’s parody trailer thing. That accompanied Grindhouse movies… things…
28. And. Of course.
    
    This is how bankrupt Hollywood is, my dude.
29. NOT AT ALL RANDOM SIDENOTE: I could only watch a minute and forty seconds of that bullshit. Just saying.
30. ON WITH THE SHOW!
31. Not gonna lie. Those burgers look good.
32. Jesus Christ. this shit is too good. Setting up the psychosis of Richard. Displaying George Clooeny of E.R. fame’s acting range. It’s too good.
33. Random asian son, that was obviously adopted by a white, Christian family. And no body cares. Because that’s how things were in the 90s and I mean… that’s how things should still be. Right? Fucking awesome.
34. By, “That’s how things should still be,” because… dude. In the 90s. Asian kid is Harvey Keitel’s son. Clooney displays a bit of modern “racism,” by saying, I’m not going to rewind this streaming shit. He said something like, “You (Harvey Keitel) don’t look Japanese” Keitel informs Cloooney that his son is Chinese (again… I’m probably exposing modern racism I’m just trying to move on like we all should). Clooney moves on and Juilette Lewis enters the room and no body gives a shit sabout race anymore.
35. That’s how it was. That’s how it should be. If ANYTHING Acknowledge. Move the fuck on. Who cares? Proceeding with the movie.
36. Quintin Tarantino plays the creep so naturally.. buhduhbuhbutdutbuhduuuuhhh
37. All’s I’m saying is… I’m a halm hour or so into this movie. And I’m with you fellers (that are of Quintin Tarantino’s persuasion)…

    

38. MOTHERFUCKER. As soon as I spejt like an hour or so making and sharing that meme thing there. IMMEDIATELY. Moveie’s like BOOM. Feet.
39. At least feet’s there to show how creepy Richarcd Gecco is. lmao
40. OMJ… Richard’s creepiness is amazing. lmao
41. “Dad! I watch those reality shows!”
42. In 1996? The genpop was using the term, “reality show?!” For… you know… Cops, essentially… GTFO. We’re in some sort of Mandella Effect multiverse bullshit.
43. Cheech pulls double duty like this were the ViewAskewniverse or something.
44. WE’RE GOING TO THE TITTY TWISTER, BOYS!
45. So. Gecco brothers. Criminals. Escaped Prison. Kidnapped people. Harvey Keitel’s family right now. And made it to Mexico. That’s the plot of this mlvie. Right now. Cool. Cool. Collcoolcool!
46. Also, as a consosiure of the 1990s, especially the latter half of the decaxde, I coulda sworn Good Will Hunting made the term, “How do you like them apples”famous. Or, essentially, its usage in the film catapulted the phrase into the pop-culture psyche. But again. Here. In 1996. A whole ass year before Good Will Hunting was released George Clooney’s using it.
47. And. Boom. They arrive at Titty Twister.
48. And THIS is the spot in the movie. Just like I rememrr it. I was in bed with my parents. Cheech is standing in front of the bar shouting, “Pussy! Pussy! Pussy! Pussy lovers!” (I’m pretty sure, back when I was a youngin after he says, “Pussy lovers,” just like RIGHT NOW, when I currently paused it movie, is the exact moment where my dad placed his hands over my ears. Because of the word, “pussy.” And I said verbally at the time, “I don’t even know what that (“pussy”) means.” (bruh. I didn’t. Because. Christianity and stuffs).
49. Which… merhaps begs the question “WHY THE FUCK AM I WATCHING THIS R-RATED MOVIE WITH MY PARENTS IN THEIR BED IN THE FIRST PLACE?!” Christianity. Things. “Bed” things? Dude. Shuit up. Pretty sure there bedroom was like the only room in the house that had a VCR. So. Shut up. “Christianity/R-Rated” things…? I have none% ideas. Especially since Clooney and Co. have been effin and jeffin this whole God damn time. But. I dunno. The whole, “movie” thing will probably be a “me” rambling at some point. But yeah. My dad. Covered my ears. Exactly at this moment. because of the word, “pussy.”
50. Immediately. I remember. It was during Cheech’s “race-based pussy” list. That’s when my ears were covered. Sigh.
51. {retty sure. After the races… I never heard a word of it.
52. Fucking cheech. lol
53. lmao fucking 90s hitting sound effects.
54. And then. Yes. After a while. Dude. I’m watching this movie in 4k on Max, right. there’s some tits happening. Sometimes. But I’m pretty sure, dad’s got my eyes covered this whole timde. But like. We were on some 4:3 screen six feet away from us. Icouldn’t see those tits if I wanted to. But then again. That’s how things worked. Merhaps that’d be enough to corrupt my pure, Christian, virgin eyes to the way of satan. I don’t know.
55. I hate myself for realizing this after I saw Danny Trejo in this movie. But… like… Thanksgiving wasn’t the first example of Hollywood being totally bankrupt.
    
    Machete was first…
    
    To be fair, I’m damn near positive I Facebook posted my “Hollywood bankruptcy” outrage at the time or something too. I dunno.
56. Cock gun? No one. Not my dad. Not my mom. No one gave a shit about dude having a cock gun.
57. Juilette Lewis isn’t 21 in 1996? LMAO… GTFO…
58. Mother fucker. I just wanna be Clooney. Having a drink. With someone that doesn’t drink. Like. I want that moment to happen. Once in my life.
59. And now. Selma Hayek happens. And I’m pretty sure my eyes were covered the whole time. Even though. It’s Selma Hayek and she never does nudity. Obviously.
60. Point of all of the “dad covered my ears/eyes” shit is… Duyde. OF COURSE I’m goinf to be curious about all of this shit. Like, dude. Merhaps sex is ruiened for generations because viewing it is so easily publically available. But at least it’s not this “taboo” thing anymore. Not like it was back then anyways.
61. OH FFS… I DOUBT GOOGLE’S GONNA BE MY FRIEND BUT….
62. FFS…

    

63. QUENTIN TARANTINO HAS, APPARENTLY, SELMA HAYAK’S WHOLE ASS FOOT IN HIS GOD DAMN MOUTH. LIKE… HOW THE FUCK IS THIS GUY NOT CANCELLED OR AT LEAST BROUGHT UP ON LOUIS C.K.-ISH PUBLIC SHAMINGS?! HOME DUDE WROTE THIS SHIT. TO HAPPEN. IN THE SCRIPT.
64. Anyways…
65. btw…
66. Why am I watching this movie on Halloween and stuffs?
67. Well…

    

68. And now. The movie begins.
69. Nice.
70. FUCKING VAMPIRES BRUH! COCK GUNS AND ALL!
71. TITTY VAMPIRES!
72. btw… Selma Hayek’s dance concludes what I remember about my original viewing of this movie.
73. Bruh…

    

74. Kill the vamprie. Kill the vampire. Kill them all?
75. Cheech sucks, apparently? Then he besplodes into green goo. Kinda.
76. It’s Danny Trejo vs. Dude from Clerks. But Mexican!
77. If only those damned Vampires hadn’t thought installed a wooden chandelliere for some reason.
78. Homeboy’s heart is still beating even though it’s been ripped out of his chest. Tha’ts pretty cool.
79. Post-pastor Arn Anderson, pre-gay Batman George Clooney, Clubber Lang(?),  and Mexian Dante from Clerks. This is some wweird ass Four Horsemen. Ijs.
80. Movie’s become Shawn of the Dead all of a sudden with Quentin coming back as a vampire.
81. Then the tension is immediately over with annnd he’s dead.
82. Clooney’s now phoning it in. He’s become gay Batnan.
83. MOTHER FUCKER KNOWS THAT IT’S BATS?! gtfo
84. Oh no! Juliette Lewis is a woman and doesn’t know how to defend herself!
85. Mexican Dante from Clerks has a name. It’s Sex Machine… PC peoples. Which one’s more appropriate? I’m going with Mexican Dante from Clearks.
86. Oops… he just got bit now.
87. Legit. Just like the script. Clooney flipped from Oscar winner to gay Batman.
88. Btw… who the fuck said these vampires have anything to do with religiion? Jesus Christ, Clooney.
89. Dude. Forreals. Clooney’s just gay Batman now. Like. I know that sounds like a slur. But. It’s not. Anyone who knows could confirm.
90. It’s a slur in the fact that his portrayal of Batman sucked. Blah. Shut up. He’s gay Batman in the movie now.
91. Dude was in ‘Nam. He’s not Clubber Lang, you idiot, Ryan. GTFO
92. Mexican Dante from Clerks is turning into to a vampire though. OH NO!
93. GOD DAMN IT MEXICAN DANTE FROM CLERKS@! HOW DARE YOU?!
94. Bats. Clubber Lang(?) etc. OH NO!
95. As he walke d through the valley of the shadow of death. Harvey Keitel made a cross out of a baseball bat and a shotgun.
96. Uh… I dunno…

    

97. Harvey Keitel is bit, though. But weapons. LET’S GOOOOOOO!
98. Holy water water balloons. lma gtfo
99. Alll of the sudden for the past hour or so whilst they prepared with weapons, vampires walk as slow as… whatever. plot…. things.
100. Also… plot things… Harvey Keitel should have turned already, right? God damn plot armor.
101. Home dude just wants to die. Kill him or let him die already.
102. All of the shrugs

     

103. Juliette Lewis is the first Darrel Dixon my dudes.
104. Mexican Dante from Clerks was also a werewolfe apparently.
105. Cluber Lang(?) doesn’t like having a shot gun being fired through his body after it had been stabbed into him.
106. I dunno.
107. MISTA KEITEL@! MISTA KEITEL BITES HIS SON! GREEN GOO FROM HOLY WATER!
108. blah bitten son person is shredded to pieces. that scene. So Juilettee Lewis kills him to end his suffering? But… that besplodes him? I dunno.
109. Bruh. I don’t do this. But. Legit. The movie. All of the vampires. Happening. There’s a scene with the vampires just now that lagged all the way down to like 10 fps lmao
110. Bruh… I thought he did. Cheech pulled tripplle duty. JUST LIKE this were a ViewAskewniverse movuie.
111. Also. Here’s a thing I meant to use at some point throughout this…

     

112. “And it’s open from dusk till dawn… (other words).” Thanks Cheech. roll credits.
113. So. I guess.
114. Cheech and his two henchmen, gay Batman George Clooney and Juliette Lewis are left to repopulate Mexico…?
115. I guess that’s the moral of the sotry?
116. Nopes. Clooney just gives her some money and tells her to go homw. Like some vampire killing prostitue. How dare him?!
117. Mayan pyramid bruh!
118. Not gonna lie… that’s a great swerve.
119. T’weren’t even a RUSSO SWERVE~!

120. 

From Dusk Till Dawn is the definitive “spooky, not scary,” movie for adults.

It’s aweomse. It’s completely srupisd. And. Vampires. With boobs. Sometimes…? Most otf the times…? And Cheech says the word, “pussy,” a lot. And Quentin Tarentino ovsiously has a foot fetish.

Boom. We did it.

I’m no one.

And I’d never lie to you, dear reader.