Drunken Watching of… Spider-Man 3

Simply bput. This is the worst of the Spider-Man movies. The sam Raimi movies trilogy things anyways. I still contend that this movieis far superiour to either of those Amazing Spider-mani flicks. But the interwebs disagrees with me. And since that’s something one should take into considerwation thiese days,

YEAH~! BUT TRUMP!

Oh. And. Before we start doing this watching of…

Allow me to just say.

2007 EWas NOT nearly 10 years ago. Come off i.t There’s something going on with the space/time continuum. I’m on to you. Matrix.

It’s either that or, “Time flies when you’re having fun.”

1. Oh! I get it. This was back in the days when marve; movies cared about origin storyies! You know with the opening credits.
2. I rerslly like thise opening credits though. It’s comic book panel-y. Some poeple complain that the entireyy 2003’a Daredevilwqs too “comic book panel-y.” But that’ the one aspect of the movie that I actually liked.
3. So far there’s nothing wrong with this movie. At all. And I’m including Kristen Dunsts’ singing. Or lackthereof or whatever.
4. OK. First dumb moment. Evil James Franco is evil.
5. And this forced drama between him and Peter is dumb.
6. :Your knees were fine,” said ever REAL man. EVER.
7. So. After all this time. HArry JUST NOW inhaled a bunch of green smoke and such.
8. Again. Even with this spider web nexsting scene. It’s pretty fucking beautiful. Only dumbness is Harry’s drama.
9. Then. A piece of wood comes into the movie. And it wears a striped green shirt.
10. Hey. There’s a novel thought. Aunt May is actually an old woman. You know. Like she’s always been portrayed to be.
11. Legit. I haven’t paid any attention to this Aunt May scene. Something about Mexico? I htink? And like looking for pearls with Uncle Ben. Mauybe.
12. And then the sho-ehorned, emotional fight of the movie. Thing.
13. And people bitched about Batman v Superman how they should have been able to have a five minute conversation and fix their problems and all that. obviously. Sony is paying off film critics.
14. “It’s probably just a bird” has been covered plenty of times before. BUT. If it WERE just a bird. Wat would have ceome of the AWESOME SANDBIRD villain!?

    

15. Legit. HArry’s friendlness is one of the best parts of the movie. Homesome fun.Comedy. ON AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF FULLHOUSE~!
16. Just now. I timed it. Sandman’s birthing matricx lasted JUST under 3 minutes long. But for Crhits’ sake that shit feels like a half hour.
17. And now. The Toby macguire/Dunstness chemistree is out the window when they start comapring each other.
18. And Kirsten gives the line about “her father wrote them.”
19. You see. That’s the prtoblem with this movie. None of the actors are acting. They ALL are phoning it in. ALL of them. Except for one major exception.
20. Topher Grace just appeared on the screen. Magically. And he’s dating my daughter.
    
21. Finally. A taste of acting appears. Thanks for that. JK Simmons.
22. How does Edward Brock Jr. live in New York if he’s wiolling to sell his hardest word for only $50?
23. OFFICE RIVALREY SUBPLOT!@~!
24. One of the trnends etting Stan Lee cameos. Proabnly oneof ths best.
25. Blah blah.
26. Sandman’s back on the screen.
    
27. At least he;s doing some sort of bit of action. CGI action sure. In a time when “watching a video game cutscene: on the silver screen was a bad thing. Sure. But still.
28. Serriously. Every line Thomas Haden Church gives. It’s fucking laughable. He’s legit. THAT terrible. EVERY. SINGLE. LINE. OF. DIALOGUE. HE. SAYS. GARNISHES. A. LAUGH. TRACK.
29. I can’t say I’m some sort of die hard hfan of the guy or anything. But Bruce Campbell’s cameo is magnificent.
30. And. While Toby Macguire starts talking to himself. Everytihg goes down hill.
31. Forreals. Watchig this dialoge between him and Mary Jane, it’s no wonder why people hat Toby as Spider-Man. Still. I argue he’s been the best. Thus far. But still.
32. Such forced drama. Much fakeness.
33. Legit ruins the past movies. Just. Sigh. WHY ARE YOU RAPING WHAT YOUCREATED SAM RAIMI?!
34. Answering machine dramsa~! boom!
35. Boom. Backstory to make Sandman relevant. But now.He’s still lame. WHY ARE YOU RAPING WHAT YOU CREATED SAM RAIMI?!
    
36. All ofg a sudden, I’m noticing a slight lisp from Toby Maguire. Hyst tgiygt I’d point that out.
37. Still. The rapage is real. Even during this Mary Jane/Peter scene about killing Uncle ben. or whatever.
38. And the other forced line. Of like. Every line in the movie. “everybody needs help, even spider-Mam.”
39. Something about the black suit?
40. Symbiotes and such.
41. Duuuu nnnn duu nnnnnnn that’s the Sandman’s theme.
42. While there’s some cool bits with this Spiderman/Sandman fight in the subwayness. Just. No. It all is so manufacturesd. Besideds. Why is Sandman robbing banks or whatever the hell he’s doing anyways? Ist it, because Daughter?
43. THE FUCK?! PETER’S LANDLORD’S DAUGHTER ISN’T LAUREN LAPKUS>?!

    

44. Emoness.
45. Something else having to do with Aunt May.
46. Spiderman doesn’t kill people? They kill themself.
47. Legit. I didn’t pay attention to what happened aftert the Aunt May scene. All I know is that Harry an MH are going to hang out.
48. “Then you say, ‘You’re a good woman. I’m good man.'” Best. Advice. Ever. Legit.
49. No. I’m serious. Lewgit.
50. Coolking eggs. It’s the only movie, that I know of, that tries to make this activitiy a romantic gesture. More movies should do this. Because. Fuck you. Eggs are awesome.
51. Dafoe. DAFOE!
    
52. Boom. MJ is the catylst to everything. Typcial of the Sam Raimi trilogy. Stuffs.
53. An. Like the catalysrt she is, she’s ripping a part Peter’s hearst. Again.
54. Strawberries.
    
55. Emoness is emo.
56. Ja,es Franco becomes the man without a face and stuffs. Or you. He has one sice of his face scarred. But the other is fine. Stuffs.
57. And stome how. Spiderman is bad. Because. Photoshop.
58. The Daily Bugle should have to pay Spiderman $150+m and such. Ala Hogan.

    

59. Who’da thunk thered be sand in the river?!
60. Something about how emotioninal Thonas Haden Church is.
61. Peter decides to play a little jazz flute.
62. WHO AM I?! THE ORPHAN SON YOU WOULD NEVER NEED? WHJP AM I? THE SLAVE YOU GAVE JUST THE AIR I BREATHE? WHO AM I? CAUSE I’M THE BOY ONLY THE MIRROR SEES!
63. Sound. Spund ois tje hjoly grail. Or whatever.
64. Bells.
65. Boom.
66. Edward Brock Jr. oisn’t even in a prayer pose as he asks God to kill him. What a cunt.
67. Justy like e veryone villainy ever. Edward Brock Topher Grace learns that Peters is Spidr-man.
68. Another, random Aunt May scene.
69. So. Mauybe Sam Raini was bidling up to a Parker/Jae marriage movbie? Maybe? Like when it happened in the comics/ And instead of all the other drama, Raimi manufactured his own?
70. A d then. This move comits its cardninal sin. Venom ASKS for help in killing Spiderman. I don’t fucking care. Correct m if I’m wrong comic nerds But. Venom HJAS NEVEER. Looked for outside help in killing Spiderman. Venom’s been a part of teams. Sure. But NEVER was he like, “OMG~! dude, I can’t kill Spider-man can u halp plz?!”
71. Will E. Moe. Once argueed with  me. “At least Two-Face was given a name in The Dark KNght” Because I wastrying to compare Harvey with Venom in this movie. And. Yeah. E. Moe’s totally right.
72. Then. While Franco’s Michael Doughlas’ing things up. His random butler becomes a laceration expert.
    
73. Some sort of tingling, Speider sense. Sex joke. Thing.
74. Blahc.
    
75. Uh oh!@ you’re in the sand thungder dome now Peter!
76. But really. Why would ANYONE give a SHIT about Sandman at this point? Like. At ALL?
77. And. Of course. Tis whole fucking thing. All of it. Is because MHJ was kidnapped. And Just. Fucking.
78. ugh.
79. There’s probably some sort of Top Gun joke to make here abit Harry and Peter.
80. Then Simmons comes on the screen. And fucking CRUSHES. Awesomeley.
81. And more lameness. probably Top Gun-y. With the overtones.
82. BUT THIS TIME~! ITS A GIANT SAND MONSTER, WHO’S NOT REALLY A MONSTER BECAYSE YOU DON’T GI VE A SHIT ABOUT HTE DUE BECAUSE OFG THE ACTOR~!
83. And just. Fuck this.
84. I’m done.
85. Venom’s killed becaue of sound and fire.
86. Harry’s killed. Because reasons.
87. And Sandman just gets to fuck off. Because. Apparenlty. We’re suppose d to feel bad for him. Or whatever.
    

At the end of the day?

THE thing that kills this movie? Out of everything I just said. All of that evidence. The 87ish points of evidence. THE thing that comepletely ruins this whole, entire fucking movie is simply…

Sandman.

Raimi has some random, little itch up his ass. Apparently. Thsi itch had a lot to do with Sandman. Sndman had NO place in this “Raimiverse.” But if you gdt that technical, the only character that had a place would have been Goblin J. Sure, Veom doesn’t have a place either. But like.

Just.

No.

Nothing about Thomas Haden Chriuch is even REMOTLEY interesting. Yet… he’s given the MAIN bits as a villain.

Just.

Then there’s the Amazing Spider-Man debacle to follw.

Just.