Spider-Man — My HOMEboy

First and foremost,  let me just say… although I haven’t seen No Way Home, I know… two spoilers from the movie. One of which is something… EVERYONE should know. But whatever. OK… now that I thinkg of it, three spoilers. And uh… yeah my dude.

Either way dudes… I’m about to talk about those spoilers. That. Again. I know happen. Even though I haven’t watched the movie (the “major” one was spoiled for me… just… FYO).

Got that?

Yeah?

Right?

Cool?

Good?

Merhaps?

Let’s fucking go.

Fuck Tom Holland. Period. He’s been, easily, the worst live action Spiderman. His initial appearence in Civil War was cool. It was awesome. But Disney has just fucked him over ever since. I mean. I swear to God… I’m not trying to be all “Snyder Cut” assholey. But. FFS. I’m glad Tom Holland and Zendaya have some real life chemistry to keep their relationship going. And I wish them nothing but the best, dude.

But… forreals. Could ya’ll send that real life chemistyr…. you know… on the screen? Cause… I have no idea why Peter Parker is in love with this MJ. At all. Their love has never, ever been conveyed in the story. And like… if anything… MJ is NOT AT ALL into anything Peter’s involved with. She hates web slinging… she hates that he’s Spiderman, She hates that he’s an idiot. Like… FFS dude… she’s just not that into you, Pete.

Even in one of the last trailers of No Way Home… they’re just hanging out on top of a roof or whatever. And MJ’s there… not giving a fuck about whatever the hell Peter’s going on about. It’s just so indicative of how pointless this relationship is and has been, dude. Fight me all you want. This MJ/Peter relationship will forever be bullshit. Period.

And. FFS. Don’t be a piece of shit and be like “BKLAH YOU’RE RACIST!” Shut your cunt up.

At the core of EVERYTHING…

This Peter Parker hasn’t ever had to struggle.

OH NO~!

Fucl you dude. And the Disneyu you rode in on.

OK… maybe it’s just me… and has always been me. But FFS… Outside of “I DON’T FEEL GOOD MR. STARK~!”… nothing about Peter and Tony EVER seemed to be like… thiks LIFE ALTERERING relationshipy.. thing.. you know? And yet. Tony’s death meant WAY more to Peter than his own uncle’s death. You know… the death that made him Spiderman… apparently..

NOTHING of this Disney Spiderman has rang true. NOTHING about it feels legitimate.

You could say the same damn thing about Batfleck’s Batman. Or something. But Jesus Christ.

MARTHA me all you want.

There’s NOTHING redemable about this Peter Parker. This dude doesn’t even have a “Martha” moment about him.

And it absolutely sucks. Disney ruined my second favorite super hero. For me.

If you love this Spiderman… good on you, dude. Awesome. Forreals. Love the shit out of it. I’m glad you do.

But thus far.. no matter how many times they bring back Tobey Maguire or Andrew Garfield to save the day… after Aunt May just died in her 20’s or whatever… Tom Holland is the Spiderman I deserve. But not the one I need. Or something. SOmething like that.

Where you at Christopher Daniel Barnes?!

Perfection.
Also. Spider-Man: Homeless! BLAH! SEQUEL! JOKES! YEAH DUDE!