The Nativity. Legit.

Alright. Let’s do this. Legit. Motherfuckers.

Whoops. There goes the ad revenue that doesn’t exist.

Jesus. Mary. And Joseph.

There they were. Little baby Jesus. All wrapped snuggly in the manger. Mother Mary too. Amd cucked by God hisself, Joseph. In an inn’s barn. Do you have any idea how shitty that situation would be? We’ve got “local medical facilities” these days. But. Fuckking. Imagine. You’re mother virgin Mary person. Giving birth to the Jewish Christ. Whatever. And these dickheads in Bethle,ame are like, “Nah bitch, get in the fucking barn with the rest of the cows and give us milk or whatever.”

But. Oh no! Abortion laws were put back in conrtol of the states in America! Much opression. Such Hitlers.

The three of them were there.

Jesus. Mary. And Joseph also.

Back in some random, nearby field a fucking angel appears in front of a group of shepherds… random ass farm hands looking after sheep. Making sure some wolf doesn’t come and devour the mutton. Angel’s like, “Shut up, bitch! There’s a Christ thing happening in a barn over there. You better check it out.”

And that’s what the shephers do. They fucking drop their straffs or whatever and they head over to a random barn. Like. That’s GOTTA BE the ultimate, “Fuck you, I quit!” moment of all time, innit? Farm owner person comes at them as they’re leaving like, “Wtf bro? Where you going?”

Thpse shephards look back at him and say, “Shuit up, Dave, we’re in the Bible and you’re not!” They’re fucking beyond all of the earthly shit at this point, obviously.  “We’re gonna go see the birth of the savior and shit. Fuck off with your sheep bruh,”

And uh… yeah. That’s how that went down.

And the shepherds were able to se e the first crowning of the Christ. Wink wink.

Spo. now shepherds are involed in this birthing process. Uh… let’s hope they brought some clean clothes for swaddling or whatever, yeah? Let’s hop those cothes are clean as fuck. In the BC times. No germs or anyting for this baby savior person. You know. In the VERY pre-medieval times.

Or.. youk know. Hopefully they didnt drag some sirt of sheepshit related disease into this birthing room. Place.

Joseph, cucked by God himself is there. Telling Mary to squeeze his hand every time it hurts. You know. Just like every childbirth scene in the movies we’ve all seen. Only. FAR more chaotic and gruesome and horrifying. Just due to the time in which it takes place alone. Like. Basically. Back in these before Jesus times. There was a 50/50 chance of either the child dying or the mother dying. But Jesus is a genetic freak. And he’s NOT NORMAL. He’s got a 25%s chance of not dying and Joseph’s not even going to try.

I included math with the “50/50” thing and got carried away. So. Obviously.

Eventually someone’s gotta cut the ambilical chrod and shit. One would assumed that a placenta would be involed in this divine childbirth. Unless it isn’t. I don’t know how God’s sperm works. I must’ve missed that day in biology class.

All of this.

Blood.

Afterbirth.

Bullshit. Literal bullshit.

The screaming. The hours-long Holy Delivery (INSERT BURT WARD JOKE HERE) has finally calmed down. Shepherds saw the first Holy crowning. The baby Jesus cried and stuffs, yuo’d assume. Unless he’s too Holy and Godlike for that shit. Homedude came out the womb all calm and shit. But let’s try to deal with realities here.

Joseph. Still panicking from being God’s stepdad or whatever finally gets the kid to sleep. The shepherds got to cop-a-view or whatever. So. They’re clearing out. Mary and Joseph can finally start counting fingers and toes and shit.

But then some magi show up like…

And uh… boom.

That’s the story of sweet little baby Jesus. The dear sweet lord baby Jasus that Ricky Bobby prays to whenevber he says grace at the dinner table.

If reality and shit was actually taken into consideration, this holy, calm “Silent Night” Bullshit would gtfo in a hurry, you know? There wouldn’t have been a single, solitary moment of calm, serene serenity in the peaceful, blissful night’s air. Like. Nah bruh.

A fucking baby just escaped an apparent virgin’s vagina. In a barn. With cows, goats, chickens, all sorts of gross, smelly, filthy animals, in the dark. Where some farmhands showed up just to watch like a bunch of pervs.

Oh yeah.

And then.

In the 1950’s some random drummer boy gets thrown into the mix.

GTFO.