12DoDM: Day 5 – Fred Claus

REMINDER: I’M NOT FIXING ANY TYPOS BECAUSE I’M DRUNK AND IT WILL MAKE THIS RAMBLING MORE SILLY AND INSTRESTING

Fred Claus is a filkm that I saw in theaters. Becaue. You know. I worked a movie theater, once upon a time. And I saw it in those same theaters. And. ou know what? I lied it. Vinhce Vaughn was great in is role. As was Paul Giamati thungus. Althought. Hell. Paul is one of the best actors ever. Seriously. But still he was awseome as Santa here.

Forreals.

The point is.  I’m going to drukenly watch this movie that I wonce loved. Because. Amazing. And 12 Days. BNOOM~!

  1. Fred’s journey begiubs uib tge same house as Link in Windwaker. BOOM~! LOLZ~!
  2. FAT BABIES~!
  3. HO HO~! it is perfet.
  4. Fred loves his brother. Obviously.
  5. #NortrhPolianLivesMatter
  6. Fred was the Crimson Idol. + it was never Santa.
  7. Oh sweet silence. Thingus. Thingus. WASP.
  8. Unlike many iunhappuy children. He became angry. I am no idle. No Crimson King.
  9. Nicholas became a saint.
  10. I am no Idol. No crimson King.

    DUH?!
  11. 59 inch TV’s are the awesomeness at the time.
  12. Then. VIDEO GAME NERD~! argu,ents. THINGS~!
  13.  Fred is awesaome/. Stop it/ Gamer.
  14. Fred becomes all. Vince Vaughn-like. And he’s all hating relationships. Because. Vince Vaughn.
  15. Vince Vaughn doesn’t remember birthdays. Becyase. Vince Vaughn.
  16. Something sabout Susi? Mauye?
  17. MORE SUSHI~!
  18. Fred’s like. “I love black kids.” Because. Santa isn’t racist. Nor am I. OBVIOUSL~!
  19. Probably more with racism happeneing already. Soighj.
  20. Money liquidation. Sutuations. Chicago. BOOM~!
  21. SWigh. Free market capitsalism. It’s already the main villain.
  22. Something abiout fighting Santas at toy stores? Why?
  23. And then. Continuum Transfunctioners. Deus Ex Machina. Already.
  24. Japs are still evil. In 2007.
  25. My brother was the idol. No crimson king.
  26. Michigan. because. Vince Vaiughn LOVES Chigacgo.
  27. Sabta’s all liike. Fred, my brother, ius in a toguh spot so…
  28. BNOOM~! Drunken radio Network.
  29. Fred C,ays doies his best Doyg Stamoet impression.
  30. HOUSE OF CXARSDS~!
  31. Business. Brothers. TYins.
  32. Fred is Luke’s father. BOOM~!
  33. Sentimental.
  34. Tghingus,
  35. Annie. Son. COme out tomorrow. Jokw.
  36. Elves are strong.
  37. Some sort of airline joke? Whilst on Santa’s Sleigh?  Plus, Fred Claus doens’t like flying Because. Reasons.
  38. I could spot a Elizabeth Banks a mile away. GTFO!
  39. At least Elizabeth Banks isn’t dressed as Lady Gaga in this movie.
  40. Paul Giamotti  is probably the best Santa. Ever.
  41. Ludacris as an else? #BlackLivesMatter.
  42. Paul Ghiamatee does his best Emirl Lagesse impression.
  43. And then.
  44. BAM~!
  45. HOUSE OF CARDS~! FORREALS THIS TIME~!
  46. Democracy is so overrated.
  47. At least Mr. Underwood is right about Easter. But not totally. Must be a pagyn.
  48. HA! I can spot uyour Jeffery Dean Morgan a mile away!
  49. LUDA is a terrible DJ, indeed.
  50. Fred Claus ruins the North pole workshop with the power of music.
  51. Then. Nothing really happens. Jsut some brotherly in fighting.
  52. And now. Something about mom too. Why?
  53. Fred hates his mom.
  54. If my mom once tied her favorie writer to a bed and broke his legs, before she boared the titanic, I probably wouldn’t like her either. Especially if she argued about going back to rescue people in the ovean on her Titantic lifeboat.
  55. Frank Underwood’s all like, “Family and business are the same thing. Fuck FGodfather logic.”
  56. Vince Vaughn is always the iunlovable, terrific dancer.
    bmfp
  57. The obvious storyline here would be that Fred Claus gets with Elizabeth Banks. Because. Fuck this Frank Underwood antagonist story. Although… no. From memory… it’s totally awesome. But still.
  58. Instead. This whole bit was to show how big of an asshole Fred is. Again. Why?
  59. FUCK YES~! Fred Claus, from Chicago used the phrase “come off it~!” FUCK YES! Seriously marking out here.
  60. Frank Underwood  becomes all Grinchified.
  61. And still… Fred is an asshole. because. Why?

    That’s why. Orange you glad I didn’t say… and all that.
  62. Frank Underwood is doing his best Frank Underwood impression and he’s trying to fuck this family RIGHT up.
  63. Soi. Frank underwood’s plan is to send Santa Elf ninjas after Fred?
  64. Rachel Weisz now loves Fred once more. Because. Why not, innit? Boom. Didn’t use the joke AGAIN~!
  65. So. Santa’s health ifsues are pretty awesome. No. Forreals. It adds to the lore. Deep shit.
  66. Jeffery dean Morgan, in 20078 is “an older guy?”
    bmfp
  67. Something about a rambling I wonce did about comedies and why they’re lame. It’s in one of The Drunken Diaries, poretty sure. BECAUSE THE MIDDLE BIT NEEDSTO BE SAD~! OR ELSE~!
  68. Frabj Underwood trieds to Frank Underwood Fred Claus.
  69. So. Fred Clause is the “little try” yet is the “older brother.?”
    bmfp
  70. So… This “Sam” kid is “the most naughty in the world” Because… welll… no. Not that joke. But because his skepticism started a fight. This one time.
  71. So. Out of emotion, Fred makes everybody nice. Kinda sounds like progressives with the “2nd Ammendment argument.” BOOM~! HEADSHOT~!
  72. Fucvk you, Fred, gingerbread is AWESOME. Well… gingerppread flavored thinguses, anyways.
  73. And… the Clauses have a Cartman/Kyle esyw snow fight.
  74. Then. Santa tries to straight up MURDER his brother. Damn.
  75. So. Sant’aa LL LIKW, “YEAH FRED~! This is why I’ve been on edge.” because that wouldn’ty havbe solved things had he not done that earlier.
  76. Frank underwood Frank Underwoods all of this sand Fires Santa.
  77. Then… it all comes down to Fred recieving a present from Santa. And his heart grew two times its size that day.
  78. Because Christmas. DUH?!
  79. Have I mentioned the thought that I love this idea of “Sivbling recovery?”
  80. The guy to camera left of Fred is either Russel Brand or Chris Angels’s brother. MAYBE Marilkyon Manson’s. Camera right? Michael Rooker’s brother. Right of him? Morgan Freeman. Obviousness is obvious.
  81. The irony is Steven Baldwin is one of the better Baldwins.
  82. See. The problem with “Santa Claus” movies is that everyone in the world still acts as if Santa isn’t real. Such bullshit. Much lameness.
  83. So. Frted climb Mt. Everest and other bullshit on skis. because. That’s how people in Colorado get around. And boom~! North pole~!
  84. And. BOOM~! Fred Claus saves Christmas. Obviously is obviousness.
  85. Only a claus can deliver the presents.
    bmfp
  86. Then. Fred gives the oibligitory “all kids are god.” Because. Participant trophies. And self esteem. And such. I LEARNED MORE WITH COMMON CORE!
  87. Frank Underwood does his best Elmer Frud impreession by not saying “What the fuck?!” ad stuffs.
  88. n his first day of being a good person, Fred’s able to save the day~! Clumbsily. But still.
  89. Oh. And. Obligitory Sam scene. #BigottryOfLowExpectations
  90. Frank Underwood does his Frank Underwood impression and becomes racist. Obviously.
  91. Lex Luthor wanted a Superman cape. In 1968.
  92. Is this the first time when there was SOME sort of DCCU?!
  93. This is legit the scene in the movie that makes it all worthwhile. Lex Lutheor. Waning that damn Superman cape.
  94. And even Frank Underwood’s heart could growd two times that day. And shit. :ex Luthor and shit.
  95. And still, especially with current evidence, Kevine Spacey is STILL the ABOSOLUTE best Lex Luthor on the silver screen. Bar none.
  96. But. HERE THEY COME TO SAVE THE DAY~!
  97. CHRISTMAS IS SAVED EVERYBODY~! AND WILLIE GETS THE GIRL~! Much like Roger Clinton’s brother~!
  98. And somehting about singing.
  99. And. Rachel Weisz. Things.
  100. Fred becomes a creep. Because. PATRIARCHY~! And… happy endings~!
  101. Rachel Weisz is French in this movie?
  102. Something about pre-ISIS Paris. And Frank Underwood fave up his power hungriness and worked at he North Pole. Because?
  103. Blah. I’m done.
  104. But the Luthor/Underwood/amazingness… still makes this movies pretty awesome.

 

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Ryan

I’m pretty awesome. I write drunken ramblings. Lover of gaming. Engaged in an on-again-off-again relationship with pro-wrestling. And I am your resident Batman expert.

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