Batman V Superman Spoilers

REMINDER: I’M NOT FIXING ANY TYPOS BECAUSE I’M DRUNK AND IT WILL MAKE THIS RAMBLING MORE SILLY AND INSTRESTING

I don’t know if you know this or not. But. I totally aready did this. Given that I am a self-proclaimed Batman expert (which, just because, also spawns into having quite the knowledge of Superman), I gave you all of the lingering spoilers you’re wondering about the Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice fi;m. most every question you had after watching the Comic Con trailer, I answered before already. You could have listend to all of that here.

But. Sime I’m plump out of ideas of things to ramble about. I figured… whi not do a little rambling about the trailer. My thoughts on it. And ive you all sdome spoilery things here as well. Right? Right? Right. Indeed.

So… yeah. These aren’t 1000% PROVEN soilers. But. They might as well be. Because. I said so.

And… I mean. Hey. If… SOME DAMN HOW…. you haven’t seen the trailer. Then. I DEFINITLEY suggerst you do so. RIGHT NOW!


If you STILL doubt how awesome this movie will be after watching that? Then… you’re done.

 

Right off the batfrom the trailer, we see a bit of controversy. Given that we live in 2015 America. With. You know. Low-information voters and such. It’s not that surprising. But. The first bit of controvery was, “WTF IS SUPERMAN DOING GOIGN INTO THE PEOPLE’S COURT?!” Or you know. Basically. They’re wondering why Superman is in court at all.

To which, I say, obviously, he’s been… basically subpoenaed to testify in fromt of this, OBVIOUSLY (well, obvious later on in the trailer) corrupt Congresswoman. So. Stop it with your lack of information nonsense. Right?

9/11 Porn!

Next up. We’ve got the IMMEDIATE shut down of EVERY critic of Man of Steel. Which, I don’t believe I’ve ever said this. But I will do so now… Man of Steel is EASILY the best Superman movie ever made. Come at me, ScreenJunkies.

If you didn’t think that this was the plan FROM THE BEGININNG, of all of the 9/11 porn going on in Metropolis in Man of Steel, then you’re pretty much an idiot. Right away. In the trailer. All of that 9/11 porn is put into context. It gives Bruce Wayne the spark he needs to put opn the Batsuite. The “unhopeful” 9/11 porn sets up this entire movie universe.

All the while. In these couple of seconds in the trailer, with the 9/11 porn, it convinves ANYONE that Ben Affleck has the chops to portray Bruce Wayne. Because. Come on. That’s EXACTLY what bruce Wayne without the Batsuit would do. Stop it. Awesome. Amazing. Stop it.

This is NOT the Joker

I promise. I’m not going to do. Like… a written… “SHOT FOR SHOT” review thing. because. That’d be lame.

But stop it. EVERYONE. STOP THIS NONSENSE.

Joker DOES NOT know that Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Joker DID NOT send this letter to Bruce Wayne.

Joker has NOTHING to do wit this. At all. Stop it.

Lex Luthor on the other hand? Hmm… that actually makes logical sense. Hrmph.

Jesus imagery.

Now look, I’m just gonna rant about a couple of things quick. And well. Basically. this whole, “Jesus imagery” thing is a good place to do it. Kinda. Because. Firstly, I don’y understand whyanyone would be upset. Or… you know TWITTER/TUMBLR OUTRAGED~! that filmmakers (and comic artists alike) would use Jesus type of imagery when it comes to Superman.

The only complaint that I could see about it. MAYBE. would be that the creators of Superman were Jewish.

VBut Superman IS the symbol of hope. Of… fucking… evberyinhg. If the world were to come to nuclear war. How many of us would BEG for a “Superman” ro come aloneg and throw those warheads into the sun? Superman IS the ultimate fictional (har har, atheists), Jeus.

The other thing I just… DO NOT understand… is simply… (and this is WAY off topic) why does EVERYONE… HATE product placement in films? Like. Seriously? Why the fuck would ANYONE care about this? And yet… it’s alost ALWAYS highlighted by… EVEERYONE. From ScreenJunkies to CinemaSins… everyone hates on product placement.

Who gives a shit? Right?

And so… Diane Lane/Ma Kent is gonna get all the nerd rage that Kevin Coster/Pa Kent got in Man of Steel. Snores and things.

But. Alright.

None of what I wrote previously is what you came here for. You want to know what’s going to happen in this film . You’ve got questions. You’re thinking that Doomsday is going to show up and Batman/Superman/Wonder Woman/Aquaman will fight him.

And.

I’ll just say.

No.

In fact. THE HUGE~! “boss” battle that takes place during the last 20 minutes of the movie (as it has been described). I say to you, you SEE the final villain IN THE TRAILER. NUMEROUS times. In fact. I’m not even sure the ammount that you see him. Off the top of my head. I can think of three times.

First of which… you see this whole scene…

Remember how awkward this was in the trailer? Hmm…

And… you know… further evidence or whatever with this screen sot.

Basically. Lex Luthor/Jesse Eisenburh here is caressign his creation. Lest we not forget that LexCorp is in possesion of General Zod’s body, right?

So... obvious. Right?
So… obvious. Right?

All of that.

Later. We also see that Luthor is alos experimenting with Krytonite. Or… you know. he KNOWS what Kryptonite is. And stuffs. In fact. He has some. In his possession. And all that. So…

Really… from what I’ve seen. This WILL NOT play a factor in the movie. Much.

Because. Luthor has created. Somerthing that is STRAIGHT FROM THE COMICS. He’s created a clone. A clone that… essentially… does his bidding. This clone will destroy bits of LexCorp ONLY for the sole purpose of “causing chaos” to expose the menice that Superman is.

You know. Lex Luthory things like that.

Because.

Lex Luthor.

In Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice creates…

Bizarro.

The post-crisis origin of Bizarro has always been…

Lex Luthor creates a Superman clone. This clone basically opperates in a behavbior that is opposite of Superman himself. Superman is like… “Hey there, clone of mine… I found this awesome, cube-shaped planet. You should live there.” And yeah. That’s how it’s been handled.

So.

Fuck you, everytonne that’s expecting Doomsday. This is REALLY obvious.

Hell.

There’s the moment in the trailer that’s like… REALLY awesome. And everthing. But it’s caught LOTS of criticism already.

Basically. You see Superman. Looking angry (much like “he” does after Luthor caresses him and everything) and he shines his heat vision towards Batman. And… you know… you, being the average, every day, movie fan person. You’d give no second thought about this scene right here. Like. At all.

#1. Batman escapes. Superman’s heat vision. Like… WTF?! That would never. EVER happen.
#2. Superman would never. EVEWN in this world that Zack Snyder and Co. have created… Superman would NEBER try to straight be like, “FUCK YOU BATMAN~! HERE’S SOME HEAT VISION FOR YOU TO DIE WITH~!” This is because… Batman, in this scene, is not fighting Superman. He’s fighting Bizarro.

The action shots of Wonder Woman? Yup. She’s fighting Bizarro.

But then there’s the question of the last scene in the trailer. Right? The last sewquence. In which you see Superman slowly walking towards a crashed Batmobile. This is, I believe, the final confrontation between the two. Which is why it’s so fucking epic. Which is why it’s so integral to the whole damn movie. And awesomeness.

So. Damn. Awesome.
So. Damn. Awesome.

This is the conclusion of their fight.

As Alfred/Jeremy Irons says in the trailer, “He is NOT OUR ENEMY!”

But. Prior to all of that. Bruce Wayne had been influenced by his billionaire buddy person. Lex Luthor (which is a lame plot point… but still is awesome and makes sense). He’s been lead tyo believe that Superman is the fgreatedst threat to… NOT ONLY Gotham, which is, in this universe, a “twin city,” of Metropolis, but the entire world.

As Bruce says, “He has the power to wipe out the entire human race… and I have to destroy it.”

BUT…

Damn it. Sorry. Ramvling.

This last scene here with that Batmobile.

Batman and Superman will have duke d it out. They’d exchange fisticuffs. In that self-preservation Batsuit. Superman will have destroyed it. Batman WILL (as much as it pains me to say) flee in the BAtmobile. Superman WILL destroy that too.

Superman WILL rip open the Batmobile. To which, Batman will stand up and be like, “Alright. I’ve done EVERYTHING I can… kill me, you fucking alien asshole.”

And that MAKES this last scene in the trailer SO FUCKING PERFECT. Even in this defeat. Batman will STILL stand up to this fucking GOD. And he’ll be like, “Fuck you. Kill me.”

The last scene in the trailer is Batman’s last stand of defiance and awesomeness.

BUT…

It’s also the scene that proves Superman’s heroisms. He will say to Batman, “I could throw you into the fucking sun if I want to right now. But I won’t. I am not your enemy.”

Then. Bam.

Bizarro fights happen.

Things.

Words.

You heard it hear first. On RyansDrunk.com

 

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Ryan

I’m pretty awesome. I write drunken ramblings. Lover of gaming. Engaged in an on-again-off-again relationship with pro-wrestling. And I am your resident Batman expert.

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