I Don’t Care about Star Wars

REMINDER: I’M NOT FIXING ANY TYPOS BECAUSE I’M DRUNK AND IT WILL MAKE THIS RAMBLING MORE SILLY AND INSTRESTING

As much as it may [pain me to admit it… I trul have troied. I’ve tried to be a fan of Start Wars I’ve tried to watch the movies. I’ve tried to get into them . But. I just. Can’t. From what I’ve sen. From what I’ve noticied. There hasn’t been ONE single reason. WHy I should give ANY sort of shit. ABout the Star Wars movies.

Not ONE.

Abd like… this is a DEEP debate I have within myself. I’ve LOVED some aspects of say the Star Trek franchise of movies. Shit. I condifer the Mass Effect series to be my FAVORITE video games OF ALL TIME. But… when it comes to Star Wars? I… cannot. Be. Assed.

So.

I’ll lay out some reasons I’ve found to confirm that I SHOULDN’TR give a shit about the Star Wars movies. The franchise in general. All of these things. Because. Reasons. And. I need to make this paragraph longer. Because. Why not?

I’m not a fan of ANYTHING involved with “fantasy.”

I’m not sure how this image helps my argument. But…

I’m not a fan of most fantasy fiction. Hell. I can’t be assed to watch anything involving the Lord of the Rings for these ssame reasons. This is the same reason (perhaps rightfully so?) that I was hesitant about checking out Game of Thrones.

I mean., I can handle some sort of “fantasy” elements. If I couldn’gt… I wouldn’t be able to tollerate ANY of the “Marvel” movies of the “MCU.” Hell. I even like Superman! Something that I need to make more publich. But.

Star Wars? In the before time? In a fgalaxy far, far away? BOOOOO!

I havve no interest.

The Prequels.

Well… erm…

The MOST devout Star Wars fan can not defend the Prequels. (Although, there’s a line that I’ve heard, you know, a soundbyte that kinda turns me on to Natalie Portman’s nonsense.) So… why should I give a shit about this franchise when its own creator decided to destroy it outright. Just because?

Right?

The Length/Pace of the Films is just… Stop it.

The long path of the Star Wars story…

Look. I’m totally fine with watching lengthy movies. I’m a Christopher Nolan fan for a reason. Fuck you, @DickFundy. But no, man. Be it childhood boredom. Or teenaged angst. Or… Adult… I don’t know… rteason? No matter in what stage in life… I’ve never been able to get through MORE than 20 minutes of the Star Wars films without falling asleep.

Hate me.

Slay me.

Whatever.

The length of the fil;ms is ridiculous.

ESPECIALLY considering that…

Both the prequels and the original trilogy tell a bland, boring “Hero’s Journey” Story

TECHNICALITIES~!
TECHNICALITIES~!

Geworge Lucus. Needed to only study the literary teaching of a freshmen high school English class to learn the story of Luke Skywalker. Seriously. There is NOTHING “compelling” about his story. Aside from… perhaps… DUN DUN DUNNNNN… a pseudo-Capitalist message about how a farmboy could become the most important person in his galaxy.

Or whatever.

Everything else? Origiinal trilogy to the prequels? The [plotline is a basic, generic, hero’s journey. At LEAST Christopher Nolan mixed it up a bit! COME ON NOW! Fuck you, @DickFundy!

Incest

Maybe, that, STILL, is Han in this picture... whatever.
Maybe, that, STILL, is Han in this picture… whatever.

The point is. There’s a story in Star Wars in which Luke and Leia are in lovel. Then. They find out that they are actually borther and sister. Or half siblings. Or something. I don’t know. I don’t cxare. I’m OUTRAGED~!

We live in 2015. America.

From what I know/can see/whatever…

Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia are TWO…

CONSENTING…

Adults.

Sure… they may be brother and sister.

Sure. That MAY BE considered “disgusting” by some. Buit garsh darnit… #LoveWins!

Keep your morality out of storytelling, Mr. Lucus! EWWWW! SUCH CISGENDERED! SUCH PATRIARCHY! GROSS!

Even if I WANTED to watch the ORIGINAL movies… I couldn’t.

George Lucas has dicked with his original material so much… it’s… apparently, unrecognizable!

So like… if the writer/director/creater/person/whoever George Lucus TRULY is…

If even HE didn’t believe in his source material… you know… HIS OWN source material… to the point that he has, apparently, dicked with the original film so much that you can’t find an original copy.

You.

Dear, Star Wars lover,

CANNOT watcxh a version of the original trilogy in which George Lucus hasn’t dicked with. In some compacity. That is. An ABSOULTYE FACT!. Stop it.

THIS PORTION OF RYANSDRUNK.COM BROUGHT TO YOU IN PART BY:


A much, MUCH better movie…

But now there’s this reason…
The fandom of Star Wars is TOO DAMN HIGH!

Stop it. Just. Stop.
Stop it. Just. Stop.

Sure. Fine. Words. Stuffs. Things.

I happen to be a “faboy” of a character/universe/thing that… has a pretty gigantic fanbase these days. But. No.

Nothing compres to the zombies out there thaty have flocked to ever Star Wars movie ever made. No matter how many times Mr. Lucus stabbed them in the ass. No matter how many times Mr. lucus destroyed their expectations. The fan boys went in droves. Walker heard style. To view the abominations that were some Star Wars films.

Then. Everyone’s just. Exected to fall in love with the original trilogy… just because?

Blah.

I…

HATE…

Blind fellowship.

HOPE!

CHANGE!

Stop ALL of it.

Why should I care when Star Wars inhabits the biggest spoiler alert in the history of spoiler alerts?

Should I even care if the Jedi Return at this point?

For the past 30 years or so we’ve known that Darth Vader is Luke’s father. In one way or another.

Hell, I’m not even sure how I learned of this spoiler. Maybe. Maybe. I found out whilst watching the classic, Tommy Boy. I just kinda remember being born. And then. I remember knowing that Darth Vader is Luke’s father. I was born in 1988. So. At this point. It was obviously awell-known fact.

In order? Maybe?

Just. Baiscially.

It’s an argument I have inside of myself. Which is why I’ve written. At length abouti it. Just now. According to “fandom” or whatever… I’m supposed to LOVE and GUSH all over the Star Wars franchise. Just because.

I argue within myself whether or not my disdain is due to the hysterical fandom or if it has to do with my own, personal taste. I’ve given the benefit of the doubt to other, similar series. Again. I consider the Mass Effect series to be the best video games I’ve ever played.

But Star Wars?

I just… can’t be assed.

Because.

Reasons.

Above.

 

Sums it up.
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Ryan

I’m pretty awesome. I write drunken ramblings. Lover of gaming. Engaged in an on-again-off-again relationship with pro-wrestling. And I am your resident Batman expert.

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